Ami's Lament
by Desslok
Summary: Angsty SM shoujo-ai. You have been warned.


"Ami's Lament" by Desslok  
  
I lay awake at night and wonder how much pain a person can bear. How much sorrow, how many tears, before the spirit drowns and dies, before the cold comes and brings with it that blessed numbness. All the fights, the monsters without and the monsters within, that come, one after another, never ending. Violence and brutality, greed and corruption, eventually bathed and cleansed in the silver light of our princess, but ultimately only the last threat, soon to be forgotten as the next comes calling. Still, after all the years of eternal conflict and horror, I still find myself vulnerable to this insidious slow disease that will not grant me the surcease of sorrow that is death. For, I know truly, that as soon as my final breath leaves my body, my soul will flee to the next hollow shell, to set it all in motion once again. There is no end, simply life and pain everlasting. As it was in the past, so it is now, and so it shall be forevermore.  
  
I love her, and tomorrow is her wedding day.  
  
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"Oh, Mako-chan, you look so pretty!" Usagi wailed for the twentieth time. Though she'd heard the words incessantly all morning, they still brought a thrill to Makoto's heart, however.  
  
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," she murmured quietly, turning her head to make sure everything was in place.  
  
Mina sighed and pulled Makoto's head back to where it had been. "Keep your head still, baka, or we'll here all day," Rei admonished from the other side. After almost an hour, the two had just about finished. A few moments later, the last auburn curl had been placed just so and their masterwork was complete.  
  
"Oh Mako-chan..."  
  
"You look so pretty!" all the other girls sang out, making poor Usagi pout briefly before joining them in joyful laughter.  
  
Trying not to disrupt her hair and makeup, Makoto calmed herself down, attempting to ignore the nervous jitters and excitement building up inside. "When will Ami be back?" she asked, changing the subject.  
  
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I should be with her, but I can't be with her. I should run far away, but I can't leave her side. She is my best friend and with every breath that passes her perfect lips, she blows away another petal from my soul. I find ways to be both present and absent and my mask freezes in place just a little bit more. How long before the mask and the face beneath it become one. Perhaps when there are no more tears left to fall between.  
  
I should talk to someone. I should stop thinking so much and do something. I should scream and cry and shout until the pain stops. But I won't. The pain will never stop, only spread, and I have taken an oath to do no harm.  
  
I wish I could stop thinking, just turn off my brain, but then what would I be? What would remain? Is that really all there is to me? These incessant, damned thoughts and the pain they bring. My intellect is a voice inside my head, but it only accentuates my loneliness.  
  
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"Is she here yet?" Makoto asked, shifting from one foot to the other as she stood in the antechamber, listening to the music play. "It's almost time."  
  
Minako shared a sad glance with Rei. "She will be here, Mako-  
chan. You know someone had to make sure that everything is ready at the reception hall."  
  
"I know, but she'd better hurry up! I want all of my best friends with me on the most important day of my life." Makoto beamed at them all and even Rei and Mina couldn't help but return the warmth in her smile.  
  
"There she is!" Usagi announced, bringing a sigh of relief from Makoto.  
  
"Thanks goodness," Luna replied from her position, peering out into the main chamber where friends and family waited. "Cue the music."  
  
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She is radiant like the sun, but never so harsh. One need never avert their eyes from the brilliance of her beauty. In fact, to do so would be a crime. She is a warm spring day, with a light breeze blowing through the newborn leaves, announcing to the world that life is eternal and beautiful. I have loved her since the day we met and never regretted it for a moment. She is kind and caring; strong and true. She is everything to me. On this day, I watch her soul burst forth into the full glory of summer and her happiness warms me.  
  
But the warmth will fade. For me, winter has come and I too fade, like the colors of the world on a snowy day, into a cold, dull grey.  
  
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The threats have ended. The cycle is broken. The princess has saved us all from the final threat. Ahead lies only eternity. I no longer cry at night. Rei's fire and Mina's light bring no warmth, illuminate no color. I cause no harm. I share no pain. There is no pain. There is only the numbness and the grey trail of long vanished tears.  
  
She is happy. It is enough. 


End file.
